How Do You Get Over a Breakup?
When my friend Caro was going through a breakup from her common-law partner last year, the effects of the separation seemed to impact every aspect of her life. We’d go out for dinner and she would pick at her food. As a solo entrepreneur, she’d throw herself into her business some days for the distraction – and other days would get nothing done, and spend the day crying and scrolling.
We’d try to talk about other things to take her mind off of her suffering, but for her, this was the only thing on her mind, and the conversation kept coming back to her burning questions: why? How had she missed some of the signs? Would she ever find love again? Could she even love someone else again? When would the pain go away?
Caro’s pain is familiar to anyone who has been through a painful breakup. Why are breakups so painful? And how can we learn to heal and move forward when it feels like the rug has been pulled out from underneath us?
Why Breakups Hurt So Much
In addition to these painful emotions, breakups can cause actual, physical pain. Studies have shown that emotional pain activates the same areas of the brain as physical pain. So, when Caro says her heart aches, she’s not being metaphorical — the brain processes the emotional distress of a breakup much like a physical injury.
This pain is linked to our primal human need for attachment. When we’re in a romantic relationship, our brains release oxytocin, chemicals that create feelings of pleasure, bonding, and security. Over time, we become biologically and emotionally dependent on these safe and grounding feelings. When the relationship ends, we experience withdrawal similar to what one might feel if they were withdrawing from a chemical substance, craving the emotional steadiness and love we once received from our partner.
The psychological Impact of a Breakup can Also be Intense
We often experience feelings of rejection, abandonment, and loss, triggering past emotional wounds. Breakups can feel like we’re reliving every hurt we’ve ever experienced, amplifying our current pain. Breakups bring up some strong, mixed feelings. Sadness, for the loss of someone who played such a significant role. Anger: we may have been mistreated or betrayed. In Caro’s case, the way her partner broke up with her was both devastating and infuriating – he refused to process the separation and discuss it with her; once he was out, he was OUT (this is sadly very common in people who have avoidant attachment issues). Fear: will I ever meet anyone again? What if this was my last partner? And then there’s the shame of being rejected – this might activate old narratives of not being good enough.
Understanding why breakups are so painful is the first step. Now, let’s explore effective ways to cope and start the healing process.
How To Get Over A Breakup:
Eight Strategies to Help You Heal, and Come Out Even Stronger
1. Allow Yourself to Grieve
Breakups are a form of loss, and it’s natural to grieve. This may involve crying, feeling angry, or simply feeling numb. Many people try to “stay strong” by suppressing their emotions, but this can make the healing process longer and more complicated. Instead, acknowledge your feelings without judgment. Don’t try to assume a sense of false positivity – name your sadness and treat it like it’s something to nurture and look after. It’s okay to feel heartbroken; give yourself permission to grieve in your own time and your own way. Grief counselling can provide valuable support during this process.
2. Seek Support
You don’t have to go through this alone. Lean on friends, family, or a therapist for support. Having someone to talk to who understands can be incredibly comforting. Counselling for breakups can help you navigate your feelings, develop coping strategies, and work through the emotional complexities of your situation. A professional can offer a safe space to express your pain and help you find a path to healing.
3. Rebuild your Sense of Self
Breakups can leave you feeling like you’ve lost a part of yourself. This is a great time to reconnect with the person you were before the relationship or to discover new aspects of yourself. Engage in activities you love or explore new hobbies and interests. Focusing on yourself, rather than the loss, can help you rebuild your self-identity and confidence. Make new friends, take care of yourself, and surround yourself with people who remind you that you’re loveable and likeable. Think of it as rediscovering who you are outside of the relationship.
4. Forget Toxic Positivity – Practice Self-Compassion.
It’s easy to get caught up in negative self-talk after a breakup, telling yourself things like, “I’m not good enough” or “I’ll never find love again.” Instead of letting these thoughts take over, practice self-compassion. Treat yourself with the same kindness and understanding you would offer a close friend going through the same thing. You also don’t need to put on a façade of cheeriness. Remember, it’s okay to feel hurt and that healing takes time. Counselling can help you develop self-compassion techniques and challenge negative self-beliefs.
5. Be Mindful, and Stay Present!
Breakups often make us overthink. Our minds race to the past, replaying moments and asking “what if,” or leap to the future, imagining a life of loneliness. Both of these thought patterns can increase anxiety and sadness. Instead, practice grounding techniques like mindfulness, meditation, or deep breathing to stay anchored in the present. Engaging fully in your current activities can help you focus on the here and now, rather than getting lost in what was or what could be.
6. Limit Contact with your Ex
It can be tempting to keep communicating with your ex, hoping to stay connected or seek closure. However, continuing contact often prolongs the healing process and reopens emotional wounds. If possible, take a break from communication to allow yourself to heal. Setting clear boundaries or going “no contact” can help you regain emotional clarity and focus on your own recovery. Consider asking for help from a counsellor who can help you work on setting reasonable boundaries if this feels overwhelming.
7. Journal, for therapy!
Writing can be a powerful way to process your emotions and understand your thoughts. Start a journal to freely express your feelings, fears, and hopes. This process can help clarify your thoughts and provide a private space to vent. Over time, you’ll be able to see your progress and recognize that healing, though slow, is happening. Journaling is a form of self-reflection that allows you to take control of your narrative and see your situation from a new perspective.
8. Consider Professional Help
If your breakup feels overwhelming or starts to affect your daily functioning, consider reaching out to a professional. Counselling for breakups offers a space to process the intense emotions and challenges, while grief counselling helps address the sense of loss. If you find yourself battling with overwhelming sadness or hopelessness, depression counselling can provide tools to cope and help guide you through this tough time.
Considering Counselling? What We Talk About in Counselling For Breakups
Sometimes, people are reluctant to see a therapist for support post breakup. They might think “Nothing can help me, the grief is too strong,” or worry that all they’re going to do is vent (which can make us feel worse). Counselling after a breakup is so much more than venting, and can play an important role in healing, and coming out stronger on the other side. When people come to our Vancouver counselling clinic for support and healing post-breakup, here are some of things we tend to explore:
Attachment Style and Breakups: Humans are wired for connection. From infancy, we rely on bonds with caregivers to feel safe and secure. In romantic relationships, these bonds deepen over time, creating a powerful sense of attachment. When a breakup happens, it feels like losing a secure base. This is why many people, like Caro, feel unmoored and disoriented after a breakup — their emotional anchor has been removed. If you have an anxious attachment style, breakups can feel even more destabilizing and distressing. One of the things we explore in therapy after a breakup is your attachment style, history of loss, and how your attachment style might be impacting your breakup recovery process.
- How Breakups Can Damage Self-Worth: Rejection, ‘consciously uncoupling’, however you want to refer to it: when your partner decides they no longer want to be with you, your self-worth can feel fragile, impacting our sense of being valued and wanted. Even if the relationship ends amicably, it’s fairly normal to feel unworthy or “not enough.” Even those who have a solid sense of self and healthy self-esteem may question their value and desirability, leading to deep insecurity and self-doubt. This is where counselling for depression can be vital, helping to rebuild confidence and self-worth.
- Loss of a Future: In any committed relationship, we imagine a future with our partner — shared experiences, plans, and dreams. When the relationship ends, that imagined future is suddenly gone. It’s not just the person we miss, but also the life we thought we’d have. This loss can feel like grieving a death, which is why some people seek grief counselling to navigate these feelings.
- Why Breakups can Feel Like a Failure Cultural narratives often idealize relationships, suggesting that being coupled up is the ultimate goal. A breakup can feel like a deviation from this ideal, making us feel like we’ve failed. This cultural pressure can intensify the pain and add feelings of shame or embarrassment. Depending on what stage of life you are in, your friends may be coupling up, getting married, or even having children. This adds to a sense of failure and anxiety about being left behind. Counselling can help address some of the negative cognitions about ‘failure’ and unworthiness that might be adding to your suffering and prolonging your pain. Counselling can help you adjust your perspective on your breakup so that you see it as a setback rather than a catastrophe, and help you grow from the pain rather than be defined by it.
What to Remember After a Breakup
Breakups are undeniably hard. They hurt because they challenge our sense of self, our plans for the future, and our emotional well-being. But remember, while the pain is real, it’s also temporary. With time, support, and the right coping strategies, you can learn how to get over a breakup and emerge stronger on the other side. Whether it’s through self-care, talking to friends, or seeking counselling for breakups, there are ways to move forward and heal. Remember, you’re not alone, and we are here to help if you are spiralling and feeling stuck in your recovery.
About the Author
This post was written by Elana Sures and the Open Space Counselling team.
Elana Sures is the owner of Open Space Counselling. She has a Masters degree in Counselling Psychology from UBC (2005) and is a Registered Clinical Counsellor and an Accredited Clinical Supervisor with the BC Association of Clinical Counsellors. Elana is a go-to expert on the psychological experiences of female high achievers.