Counselling for depression. Counselling for anxiety. Couples counselling, counselling for stress and burnout… these are the typical issues that bring people to therapy.
But recently in our Vancouver counselling clinic, we’ve seen a major uptick in people wanting counselling to help them deal with the fallout of having different political beliefs from family or friends. While this isn’t really a first for us (remember Covid?), the current divisiveness in ideological values has this theme percolating again.
Working Through Reactivity and Conflicted Feelings With A Counsellor
A long-time client, who we’ll call “Willow”, re-surfaced after not being in therapy for a while. An ongoing, polarising global situation left her with allegiances that broke from her community, and many instances of feeling misunderstood by her friend group. But what really threw her – and led her to book an appointment – was coming across an Instagram post that a close friend made. The post (and the lengthy comment thread) left her feeling shocked, isolated and distrustful.
Willow doesn’t mind disagreeing with people, except when it’s an issue close to her heart, and this one was. Even more conflicting was that the comments felt harsh and simplistic, yet came from people whom she liked and trusted.
Flooded by a mixture of intense feelings, Willow sought counselling to unpack why she felt so triggered. Willow shared with her therapist each feeling that she was wrestling with.
“First, I felt really angry! Do you really believe that?? COME ON!!
“But also, I felt insecure…and full of self-doubt. Am I wrong for believing what I do? Maybe I’m the one who isn’t thinking critically enough.
“Mostly, though, I felt sad. I don’t think I can trust my friends as much as I thought.”
As Willow went on to explore her situation, it also became clear that she felt super anxious. Willow is a people pleaser in recovery. She still finds conflict really uncomfortable, especially with friends. Staying connected in a moment of anxiety and vulnerability is really, really hard.
Willow didn’t want to pretend that she was cool with simply ‘agreeing to disagree’ and moving on as though it was no big deal. She had a strong urge to at least share her perspective.She acknowledged that her friends are, for the most part, thoughtful and open-minded, and had to admit that there might be some value in hearing their perspectives (even while acknowledging that she felt resistant, all the same).
But she knew there was no point at communicating from a defensive and triggered state.
Willow’s takeaway from that session was that navigating political differences between family and friends isn’t just about being right or choosing sides —it’s about preserving relationships and having tough conversations. It’s also about finding your voice when you are triggered and shaky.
Why Do Some Political Conversations Get So Heated?
The emotional stakes feel high. Sometimes politics and current events are intellectually interesting to talk about, but not particularly personal. Those conversations tend to be interesting and even heated, but not necessarily triggering. We might disagree, but our blood pressure doesn’t shoot through the roof. If we’re good communicators, we’re able to be curious and present our perspective in a grounded way.
Other times, political decisions, world events, and public figures confront deeply held values, identity, and personal experiences. Discussions can quickly escalate when we feel threatened by someone holding a different opinion, supporting (or opposing) a certain country, policy or group of people. We can actually feel dysregulated inside – that’s when our nervous system ramps up and gets racy, or shuts down and becomes numb).
Our nervous system responds to our values or identity being threatened. That dysregulated nervous system tells us that a more emotional chord has been struck. It’s what leads us to become tongue tied and at a loss for words. Or, defensive and accusatory. From this place of reactivity, we can spiral even more as we realise that we are not able to fully engage in a grounded way.
Feeling defensive is a natural response when we feel threatened (thanks, fight or flight!). But it’s not always helpful. We can’t be curious when we’re dysregulated. We can’t ask questions, build bridges, or even articulately share our perspective!
When did having political discussions turn into such a minefield?
Politics have always lent themselves to heated discussions, but it seems that in recent years, beliefs have become more divisive and polarised. Perhaps this is due to some leaders who espouse extreme viewpoints and even play them up.
And then there is social media – that under-nuanced echo chamber where influencers replace journalists and historians. Where complex histories and fraught policies are reduced to catchy memes, and respectful dialogue is traded for zingers and buzzwords.
Have you heard of confirmation bias?
Confirmation bias refers to our tendencies to seek out and prefer information that supports our preexisting beliefs. As a result, we tend to ignore any information that contradicts those beliefs. Whether it’s vaccine mandates, SOGI policies, the war in the Middle East, or housing policy…we are more inclined to lean in to information that is aligned with what we already believe.
At the same time, we are quicker to reject or dismiss information that challenges these beliefs. While confirmation bias has always existed, social media algorithms have turbo-charged this phenomenon, leading to another challenge: we live in an echo chamber. This means that we are exposed to views that support our own without encountering opposing views, which exacerbates confirmation bias.
This is how, in the absence of critical thinking and ‘doing the work’, echo chambers can lend themselves to more rigidly held beliefs, even veering towards social and political polarisation and extremism.
Practical Strategies When Discussing Political Differences
1. Set Boundaries Before You Begin
Before engaging in any political discussion, set clear boundaries about what topics are off-limits, or how long you’re willing to talk about a certain issue.
Example: “Let’s not get into the election tonight; I’d rather focus on catching up.”
Why it works: Helps keep conversations on track and prevents arguments from spiralling out of control.
2. Focus on Listening, Not Winning
There’s a saying: “You can be right, or you can be in a relationship.” And in our experience, self righteousness, insulting, and invalidating others perspectives can immediately erode trust and connection.
But, you may still be uncomfortable with the values disconnect between you and another person you care about. Let’s say you decide you’re going to lean in, and engage them in that difficult discussion. Here are some tips to stay connected while exploring your differences.
Tip: Encourage yourself to be curious — explore their perspective with them instead of trying to ‘win’.
Example: “I’m really curious why you see it that way. Can you tell me more?”
Why it works: Listening can defuse tension and show respect, even when you don’t agree. People are less defensive when they feel heard.
3. Stay Calm and Pause Before Responding
Tip: If you’re noticing some of the mixed feelings and nervous system activation we discussed above, take a deep breath before responding. Sometimes a brief pause helps you reset and re-engage. You might even walk away for a moment to collect yourself (take a bathroom break!).
Example: Take a few seconds before replying, or say, “Hmm. I need a moment to think about that.”
Another example. “I’m digesting that.”
Why it works: Pausing helps prevent knee-jerk reactions and allows you to communicate thoughtfully instead of defensively. Nobody can be expected to have a grounded and productive conversation when they’re triggered!
4. Find Common Ground
Tip: Look for values or concerns you share, even if your political solutions differ.
Example: “We both want peace and safety, but we have different ideas about how that can happen.”
Why it works: Finding common ground shifts the focus away from differences and reminds both parties of shared goals and values.
5. Know When to Exit the Conversation
Tip: Recognize when a discussion is becoming too reactive and emotional, and step away if needed. It’s okay to say, “Let’s agree to disagree” or “I think we just see this very differently.”
Example: “I think we’re both getting defensive. I think we need to hit the pause button on this convo.”
Why it works: Knowing when to stop can prevent damage to relationships and preserve your peace of mind. At least you know you tried to engage, even if it didn’t go anywhere.
6. Practise Empathy and Perspective-Taking
Tip: Try to understand the issue from another perspective, even if you don’t agree with it.
Example: “I may not agree, but I can understand why you feel that way given your experiences/history.”
Why it works: Practising empathy helps stay in connection and keeps the relationship in focus, not just the content or the topic.
What to do if you’re left with difficult or painful feelings
Look, just because you’ve made an attempt to try to have a mature and grounded discussion about politics doesn’t mean that you’re going to walk away feeling cool as a cucumber. In fact, sometimes it’s in the aftermath when we start to spiral, overthink, and create narratives.
This may be because conflict can be upsetting. Sometimes it’s because despite our best efforts, the person with whom we were communicating was not giving you the respect and sensitivity that you needed and deserved.
And sometimes, our own stuff gets activated. Old stuff. And we’re left not quite knowing what to do with those feelings.
Sometimes, trauma plays a role in our reactions.
If you’ve been silenced, marginalised, or belittled for your identity, race/culture, or experience, encountering a polarised opinion can activate a painful memory of bullying, invalidation, or oppression.
It’s important to take this seriously, and validate the pain you’re in while not jumping to conclusions on the intention of the person(s) with whom you’re at odds.
Here are some ways that seeing a counsellor can help with that:
Trauma counselling can help you make sense of the interplay between present triggers and past events. At our Vancouver counselling clinic, we have trauma counsellors who are experienced and skilled in helping you recognise the subtle signs of a trauma reaction. Our therapists will validate your experience, provide you with a safe container to work through the feelings and triggers coming up, and help you with strategies to stay grounded and present so that you can feel sturdier during these fraught discussions.
Counselling for People Pleasing and Difficult Conversations
If you’re conflict avoidant but also really connected to your values, finding yourself at odds with someone you care about will present you with a lot of internal conflict! It’s important not to suppress your feelings, and equally helpful not to give into reactivity.
It’s not easy to unpack all of this on your own. We’re here to help you.
Check out our Team of Vancouver Counsellors
Are you currently struggling with a reaction to current events that is leaving you feeling disempowered, angry, or alone? We can help you make sense of what might be going on, and explore meaningful strategies that promote more connection and internal stability.
Therapy with one of our skilled, non-judgmental, and experienced counsellors can help you untangle your emotions and find your voice. We can help you build confidence and trust yourself, even when you’re being challenged.
You can read more about our team here, and book a free consultation through this link.
About the Author
Elana Sures is the owner of Open Space Counselling. She has a Masters degree in Counselling Psychology from UBC (2005) and is a Registered Clinical Counsellor and an Accredited Clinical Supervisor with the BC Association of Clinical Counsellors. Elana is a go-to expert on the psychological experiences of female high achievers.