“I’m a perfectionist.”
You’ve heard it before, almost stated proudly, a humblebrag for being successful, or detail oriented, or having high standards. In fact, perfectionism is actually none of these things (although perfectionists can certainly have these qualities).
It’s far more of a mouthful to say what perfectionism really is. I have come to understand that perfectionism is a sense of self-worth that yo-yos up and down depending on your latest achievement.
If you’re wondering if you’re a perfectionist, ask yourself what it would be like for you if you were to not perform/look/achieve according to one of your unrelenting standards?
What fear about yourself – that you’re not good/smart/competent/attractive enough might be “discovered” if you were to flounder?
What is Perfectionism?
Perfectionists live in fear that they are one mis-step away from others finding out that they are not actually as smart, effortlessly competent, attractive, or impressive as they seem to be. So there is an incredible amount of investment into nailing it.
Whatever “it” is really varies – academics, parenting, work, outward appearance.
Often, one might stack all their perfect eggs in one basket, and focus on one particular area, rather than require perfection all over (for example, a workaholic who is flexible about their appearance).
Consider that one of the litmus tests of perfectionism is how one reacts when the object of their pursuit goes sideways. It’s discouraging for anyone when we fall below our own personal standards, but perfectionists experience it as a serious blow and engage in some corrosive self-loathing.
They might then overcompensate for this perceived defeat by working unsustainably long hours to reverse the course. No wonder perfectionists suffer from burnout so often!
Struggling with the pressures of perfectionism? Mark, one of our Registered Clinical Counsellors focuses on counselling especially for those in a high performance career in Vancouver, helping you navigate self-worth and find balance. Learn more about Mark’s approach here.
Let me Introduce You to Healthy Striving
Let’s not confuse this with what psychology researcher and perfectionism expert Dr. Brené Brown refers to as “healthy striving.”
With perfectionism, the pursuit of greatness comes at a great cost – long hours of preparation, an intense focus on the external goal, often neglecting self-care essentials (like sleep) and quality relationships.
With healthy striving, our goals may indeed be lofty, but there is more flexibility and more balance in our process.
We work hard, but know when to give ourselves a break. When we are disappointed with our outcome, we don’t relentlessly beat ourselves up over it. Healthy strivers tend to bounce back from defeat more easily.
Ready to replace self-judgment with self-compassion? Let me introduce you to Carly. She offers perfectionism counselling in Vancouver to help support you in embracing imperfection.
How to be an Imperfectionist
So, how does one go from being a perfectionist to an imperfectionist?
We must first come to understand the layers at play in this rigid way of being in the world. When did we develop this personal narrative that constantly demands us to prove ourselves?
What (or who) made it seem so important that we be this airtight and impressive?
Most importantly, we must cultivate a completely different attitude towards ourselves; specifically, we may need to overhaul our notions of what makes us valuable and loveable. Compassion, patience, and self-validation are the only viable replacements for shame and self-judgment.
Here’s the clincher: to wriggle free from the clutches of perfectionism, we need to actually do the opposite of what perfectionism wants us to do.
We need to practise imperfection. I love to prescribe homework on being mediocre to my perfectionist clients (my perfectionist readers are probably cringing by now).
Taking the First Steps to Overcoming Perfectionism
If you’re someone who’s high achieving but constantly battling a fear of failure, it’s important to recognize that perfectionistic tendencies aren’t a measure of your worth.
Striving for perfection might feel like the only way to succeed, but people who are perfectionists often find themselves stuck in cycles of self-doubt and exhaustion.
Overcoming perfectionism starts with shifting how you view your worth and achievements. Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT) is a powerful tool for exploring and challenging the unhelpful thought patterns that drive perfectionistic tendencies. By working with a counsellor, you can begin to identify the fears fueling your perfectionism, such as the fear of failure, and learn healthier ways to approach your goals.
Parts-work like Internal Family Systems Therapy can go even deeper in helping perfectionists by looking at the self-protective parts of ourselves that work overtime. These unconscious parts are often convinced that our achievements, appearance and performance can save us from rejection, abandonment, and shame.
Instead of striving to achieve perfection in every aspect of your life, try focusing on balance and progress. Small steps, like embracing imperfection in low-stakes situations or pausing to celebrate your accomplishments, can help you break free from the relentless pressure.
Struggling with perfectionism doesn’t have to define you. With self-compassion and the right support, you can learn to let go of perfectionistic tendencies and create space for joy, resilience, and authentic success. If this resonates with you, consider reaching out for guidance—you’re not alone in this journey.
Of course, we can still give ourselves permission to knock ourselves out and be a rock star when the occasion calls for it, but also give ourselves permission to dial it down and give ourselves a pass when our sanity and self-care are more important.
If you’ve been conditioned to like and accept yourself only when you’re nailing it, you may need some help shifting these powerful patterns. Our Vancouver and North Vancouver therapists provide counselling for perfectionism that can help you get to the bottom of these tendencies, and help you rewire your approach so that you can live with more flexibility and less self-criticism – while still striving for excellence when you want to! It’s not always easy to do, but practice makes perfect (ha)!